Drugged

(Illustration by Abhay Tiwari)

Every vacant corner and cavity of my heart where you seeped in permeated and rendered whole. I messed up and as the holes crept in; enlarged, engulfed us.

I lost us
I lost you
I lost me
As you left away
As you left me away.

My addiction for affection gave way to affection for addiction. I sold my money; I sold my life and my soul on toxins and their intoxications, on perverted passions for paraphernalia of psychedelics.

I grow like a worm; a scum feeding on the last left-over of a greased kitchen sink defiled with grimy gluttony. I am the metal that the blacksmith bends to his liking or the thrown away paper where all art has been washed off and taken into reshaping. The stinky parasite that now feeds off my rotten hopes of flayed aspirations and ambitions; I have tricked myself on a misled voyage for vengeance, a sojourn for sinking into the darkness of grave miseries in lieu of colors of a world I put faith upon; a world I made my home

I lead the misled generation of cool beings; inhuman I lack humane and human beings
I try to make collages of blurred out moments, of burnt ashes, of faded colors in vain
I collect torn away reels of cameras, mend the withered away dried bristles of brushes but all in vain
I am no survivor; I barely stand out wrenched, defeated, dominated and destroyed by myself.

And what pains me ceaselessly pierces me like thorns for losing myself;

I lost me.
I lost you.
I lost us

– Anubhav Majumdar

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