Seasons

 

I remember my childhood where I used to visit that crowded market
To see what’s new and to keep my hands on one of those toys
That fancy me and, cringe until I have it in.

I remember that childhood where I used to spend my twilight
Feeding birds and street dogs with my grandpa and have
Those eyes shimmering in awe at how grateful the world seems.

I remember that childhood where I spent my afternoon sleeping and
Cuddling with my grandma and having a light head.
I remember growing up in that big huge bed that today, I hit it’s
Very end of it as I stretched my legs and how my heart ached
At the massacre of all those daylight fantasies and conversations
I made up in my head, that now it all seems pointless.

Today I’d even laugh at who I was in childhood and mainly
Because that’s the only thing I could laugh at now
Because the world I was looking at so casually, years back
Isn’t what it really is, because the world has been changing
Ever since I was growing and it now seems to confuse me

That if it was just my vision of looking at things or is it the fact that I’ve grown up?
Is it that my growing up has took a toll on me?

And took my innocence away from me?
Is it that I can’t look at you without feeling insecure and not believing you at all?
Is it that the airplane I used to dream to fly on, now seems higher than eternity,
And is it that seems too stupid to even dream?

Because dreams are mend to be broken, they have always told me
But dreams never do come true, that always broke me.

And with a change of seasons, of transition from one to another,
I’ve always questioned myself why do I fall sick in that transition.
Is it that my body isn’t that natural to a change and maybe the transition from
A child to an adult happened at a pace that I’m still counting on my fingers and toes
And I’m running out of them, that these changes of blooming of flowers
And withering into earth seems like a vicious process and I can’t run out of it,
I’ve learned that this is life and it’s natural to happen but I fear I won’t ever feel
Natural to a loss, even though it is the very same.

I’ve learned, the world is cruel and the dog you’re feeding today might attack you out of fear tomorrow
And that humans are selfish and they smile at you for a reason, they love you for a reason,
So that innocence, that innocence of spring withered as autumn begin to fall.
I don’t feel guilty, it’s not a crime I’ve commit, it’s how I’ve molded myself
Into the very race of humans, out of fear to fall out.

That one time, I remembered talking to my best friend about how we used to climb up the trees to eat berries until she hushed me up and said that’s old talk and we’ve grown up,
It was then I saw that little fear, that vulnerable feeling of not being yourself in your adulthood,
Not knowing that little you in you is buried now, and you wish not to pull your grave out.

And this is a change I’ve witnessed to remain constant, in all these humans.
I’ve always thought when I’ll grow up I’d not fear a thing at all
And as I started to climb up that ladder, I’ve realized that I’ve grown up
With it latching onto my back while maybe my childhood was fearless.

Maybe I’ve grown, changed with the season, sharpened my wits and held onto my armor.
Yes, I’ve learned to fight the wars and climb the mountains, and make the mistakes and affix them all,
And all it takes is a little faith, a little trust, and pixie dust to touch up.

– Neha Goyal

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