Shenanigans with the Night

Tonight I lay with my scars, wide open, again;
It’s a visit I pay and get paid later-
A death anniversary to all the cells that died in building me up,
But today, today I’d want to build a new life-
By sacrificing my soul to whomever may come.
Tonight isn’t lonesome like others;
It speaks of my skeptical mind,
My death bed, miseries, guilt, mistakes, and a dream.
Tonight, the stars aren’t shining- not in my neighborhood,
But I hope when I’ll be searching for something to light up,
I’ll be able to spot at least one.

Because I know my sorrows, my binge thinking,
And contemplating suicide attempts over bloodshed tears and distress.
Tonight isn’t about celebrating victories, it’s about enduring loss,
It’s about opening my downsides again to myself,
Asking myself what went wrong,
And I know the drill;
It’s a ceremony I’ve been attending for quite a long time,
I know what to serve and what to juggle.

Tonight I want to teach myself and learn how to breathe
On a count of three,
Inhale and exhale, again and again,
Again and again, again and again, again and again
Until I find myself sweating,
And almost catching up on the last breath,
Because it’s too much to take in and too much to lose out all at once,
But I lose, again.

In this silly war I fight against myself, pretending I’ll be alright
By planting thorns around my heart, closing myself in,
‘You stupid girl, your mind knows it all’, and it’ll keep putting on the same episode
Until it keeps resonating back forth inside my heart
And my  heart shall be pounding like a wild animal
While I revise all of the conversations
I made and each mistake I played.

Oh! Tonight somewhere I believe,
The Sun is burning and a girl like me would be-
Laying on her bed, looking at the love of her life,
To tell the story she’s been hiding beneath her gray eyes,
And I hope he’d understand her helplessness,
And tell her all the things she’d been longing to hear.

Tonight I beg that old man gets the sweetest dream of meeting his son, again,
Tonight I plead for the mother who filled her belly with the smiles of her children eating food,
Tonight I wish to be 11:11 for someone I could help heal,
And tonight I want that person to be me.

– Neha Goyal

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