I fell in love with an Alcoholic

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I fell in love with her,
Her sunken gray eyes,
With her voice, mumbling fanatics,
Her short timed happiness
Over our 5 year anniversary passed 6 months ago,
Her thoughts becoming vision,
And turning true to reality,
That the next minute I opened my eyes,
I was on a jet boat swaying through the waves
In the middle of the night.
I still remember the first time I got weak in my knees
To fill her in my arms,
She was on her 4th shot of vodka,
And told me ‘you’ll know my favorite bars.’
It was tinkering, that glitter in her eye shadow,
Making me believe in silvers, that night
I fell in love with the blues,
But I never wanted her to talk about her deepest secrets,
Her fantasies and her dreams over shots of whiskey gold,
And that’s all I’d ever got.
When she’s sober, she’s miserable,
She’s guilty, she’s hopeless, she’s madness,
I want that to be mine, but it ends at the doors of the rehab,
Her golden hair making silhouettes over my head,
I get dizzy with her memoria,
That’s all I get at the end of the day,
Till she comes back escaping another rehab,
She tells me how it suffocates her, the rooms, the beds,
The counselors, they make her feel sick,
And all she wants to hear from me is, she isn’t.
But over time I’ve realized only drunken eyes guards their miseries
Behind the anguish wars upon others,
And she, she’d always expect me to be calm over her disease,
But I tell her, she should leave,
Even though I don’t want her to, but I need to.
I fell in love with her,
Even though it was the hardest thing for me to do,
I still wish over a shooting star, or an airplane passing by
That she won’t run away,
From herself, that disease that’s got hold of her,
That’s ruining her every day, her whole life, the person she really is,
And I’m not running away from her, from her alcohol,
From her lipstick stains on beer glasses,
Her catching hold off me as she passes out knowing that I’m here,
And I’m and will always be,
Until she decides to end it,
And that’s the fear I wake up to, each day.

– Neha Goyal

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