He is not me, but I am him

I’m stuck. Stuck up in a situation. A situation that has despair. That depresses me! Does not let me walk through the decided or the wrong path. Keeps me entangled. Trapped. In vein.

I’m hidden. Hidden inside my own self. The person I believe is mine. Ethically isn’t. I cannot keep my heart out. I can’t speak up to the things I want to. I want to shout. Shout it to the loudest. But I’m hidden.

I’m afraid. Afraid of various things. My past haunts me. My future scares me. My present has nothing so valuable. I feel destroyed. Ruined. Hated. Lonely. But I fear. The person I love doesn’t love me. I fear the person who means everything will leave. Will leave soon. I fear. I fear to again lose my own self.

I want someone. Someone who will understand me. Someone who knows what I mean when. But that someone shouldn’t be anyone else than him. But he won’t. He takes it all wrong. I need him. Maybe more than I need anyone else.

I feel rejected. I feel broken. My heart does not listen to anybody. But it wants to listen to him. He won’t speak. He gave me my best. He is giving me my worst. I feel desperate. Every single night I manage my tears. I want to crawl. Crawl to him. Like his baby. I want to be pampered. I want to be protected. I want to feel safe. I want to be loved. But he won’t.
Because he is not me but I am him.

– Aarti Motiani

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